Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians

(aka SANTA CLAUS DEFEATS THE ALIENS)
(1964, U.S.) color 81 minutes (released on November 14)
Embassy Pictures / Jalor Productions
Story: Paul L. Jacobson
Screenplay: Glenville Mareth
Art Director: Maurice Gordon
Cinematography: David L. Quaid
Music: Milton and Anne Delugg
Produced by Paul L. Jacobson, Arnold Leeds, Joseph E. Levine
Directed by Nicholas Webster

With: John Call (Santa Claus), Leonard Hicks (Kimar), Vincent Beck (Voldar), Bill McCutcheon (Dropo), Victor Stiles (Billy), Donna Conforti (Betty), Chris Month (Bomar), Pia Zadora (Girmar), Ned Wertimer (Newscaster Andy Henderson), Carl Don (Werner Von Green/Choacem)

Plot Outline (Imdb): Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extol the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.

Plot Synopsis (from pressbook): In an underground room on Mars, two royal children, Bomar (CHRISTOPHER MONTH) and Girmar (PIA ZADORA) sit watching a television program from Earth. The show is emanating from the North Pole, where Santa Claus (JOHN CALL) is being interviewed in his workshop about his Christmas season plans.

The Martian leader, Kimar (LEONARD HICKS), returns home and asks his clownish aide, Dropo (BILL McCUTCHEON), for his children. Finding them paying rapt attention to the Earth program, he angrily orders them to bed.

Later, Kimar and his wife, Momar (LEILA MARTIN), discuss their children, who, living a solemn life, have become listless.

Kimar decides to call a council meeting to formulate plans to revive Martian children's interest in life. The Council agrees with Chochem (CARL DON), Mars' 800-year old wise man, to send an expedition to Earth to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him to Mars.

Kimar leads the expedition, consisting also of Rigna (JAMES CAHILL), Hargo (CHARLES G. RENN) and Voldar (VINCENT BECK), who disapproves of the plan. Dropo slows away on the spaceship.

Approaching Earth, the Martians, through their magnascope, look down on a city and see many Santas stationed at different corners. The Martians land in a rural area and find two Earth children, Billy (VICTOR STILES) and his sister, Betty (DONNA CONFORTI). Kimar calms the frightened pair and tells them that they are looking for Santa Claus. Billy explains that the real Santa lives at the North Pole. Voldar insists that the children must come along to prevent them from the alerting the authorities, who are already concerned about the Unidentified Flying Object, their spaceship.

At the Pole, Billy and Betty make a vain attempt to thwart the Martian plan by warning Santa. The Martians enter Santa's Workshop, "freeze" all of Santa's helpers with a ray gun and kidnap Santa.

Back on Mars, Momar and her two children welcome Santa, Billy and Betty, who will never he allowed to return to Earth. Kimar plans to put Santa into the toymaking business on Mars. The new workshop will be completely automated. This depresses Santa, who likes to work with his hands.

Voldar is now openly rebellions. On the trip back to Mars, he had attempted to dump Santa, Billy and Betty out into space. Banished, he lurks in his cave hideout, planning his revenge. Voldar and his henchmen, Shim (JOE ELIC) and Stobo (AL NESOR), raid Santa's Martian workshop and sabotage the toy-making machinery. They mistakenly carry off Dropo, who is dressed like Santa, to Voldar's cave.

Thinking he has the real Santa, Voldar returns to the workshop. There, he finds Santa supervising repairs. Voidar is captured and imprisoned.

Voldar escapes from the storeroom prison, overpowers Kimar there and goes to the workshop to confront Santa. Santa resorts to magic to confound Voldar's powers. A terrific fight ensues with Betty, Billy, Bomar and Girmar attacking Voldar with toy weapons, ping-pong balls and marbles. Santa sits calmly through the melee, blowing bubbles.

Kimar, freeign himself from the storeroom, ends the fight. Dropo, who has escaped from Voldar's cave, returns to the workshop, very proud of his "resemblance" to Santa Claus.

Kimar decides to send Santa, Billy and Betty back to Earth in time for Christmas. Since Santa's spirit has won the day, the Martians are very sorry to see him leave. But they still have Dropo, their green-faced, clownish Santa, not a bad substitute at all.

***

GUEST REVIEW:
by Greg Woods
I find it rather amusing that this classic schlock piece was released by Joseph Levine, who produced Godard's CONTEMPT a year earlier. What is more, regardless of how much we groan when sitting through this perennial holiday staple, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS actually has more of a point, and it is more of scabrous commentary on the western world than CONTEMPT could ever aspire.

We usually expect kiddie fare -- especially Christmas movies- to preach wholesome family values and instruct our little ones on the spirit of giving. But despite all the goofy Martians, candy-colors, and funny robots certain to amuse five-year olds of all ages, this is actually a very dubious morality play, indeed! Any parent who would plop their kid in a matinee or in front of the tube to see this would naturally just expect their little ones to view nothing more than a harmless kiddie movie, right? Wrong!

At the center of this classically inept skidrow juvenilia is a sour, subtle primer for capitalist greed. Take the opening song (also repeated at the end), "Hooray for Santy Claus". The kids' choir on the soundtrack is NOT cheering Santa Claus for conquering the Martians, but actually, jolly old Saint Nick is being lauded for all the presents he has brought the kids! To laud Santa for this is one thing, but also the song continues to make offensive remarks about Santa's weight problem! Talk about a bunch of spoiled ungrateful brats!

Still, this dour reference to Kris Kringle is pervasive of Santa's portrayal throughout the entire film. Unlike, say, the Mexican version of SANTA CLAUS, this may be the only holiday movie in memory that portrays Santa as a mere mortal. Despite the odd magic that he casts to get himself out of tight scrapes here and there (such as when a mutinous Martian tries to sabotage the ship that carries Santa back to the red planet), I cannot think of another film that accentuates Santa's (very) human frailties.

Right from the start, we see Santa as a stressed-out entrepreneur who is bending his elves over backwards to make the December 24th deadline (this is so indicative of the retail manufacturers' classic "Get 'em out by Friday" attitude), To top it all off, Santa hardly wears the red pants of the household. He is constantly henpecked by his nagging wife. In fact, when the Martians come to abduct Santa, he seems rather relieved-a welcome break from the "supply and demand" of his corporate zeitgeist. When the little green men zap everyone else with a freeze ray, Mr. Claus muses that this is the first time he sees his wife with her mouth shut! Is it any wonder that Santa doesn't use his powers to thwart the Martians then and there? He's happy to get away from it all!

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS is also interesting for its anti-Communist propaganda. Lest we forget, this seemingly innocuous kiddie matinee fodder was released during the Cold War. During the Red Scare, what more of a sly reference could one make than having someone on a Red Planet being introduced to the ways of the west? (Note how the Martians all have similar-sounding names, thus suggesting little differentiation in character?)

Someday someone should write a book covering the alternative history of kiddie movies (that is, anything but the Disney stuff). And in terms of subversive matinee fodder, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS ought to get a whole chapter for itself! Don't be fooled by all the juvenilia- despite the cute Martian kids, the doltish comic relief, and the terrific gasp of the most pathetic looking polar bear in movie history, this film is actually an insidious little tool or social conditioning! Walt himself was always guilty of that in his films, but their messages aspired mainly to wholesome family values. Yet in this seemingly inconsequential fluff, kids are systematically being groomed for the western mantras of capitalism, automation and greed!

The real conflict in this film is not in Santa's being told to set up shop on Mars, but the fact that they want him here permanently. In fact, the Martians are already beginning to see the ways of the western world at the outset- their kids are being brainwashed by "those ridiculous Earth programs"! Even the wise old Martian sage tells them that getting Santa for the kids is a good thing. This Entire Martian setting is a primer of all those Communist movie clich‚s. The old hermit, who nonetheless is versed in the old Martian ways, knows the system isn't working, and prods his comrades towards the avenue of change. The mutinous Martian on the ship delivering Mr. HoHo is the classically universal renegade who rises up against his brethren: "Don't you see? Don't you see? No good can come to our regime from this!"

Alas, Santa soon has all these fancy machines set up, making toys at a far greater rate than his grumpy elves. Just a punch of a button and presto! But Saint Nick isn't jolly for long- he still has to get back to earth and meet his deadline for December 24th! What to do? Well, throughout the film there has been a goofy Martian collapsing around (doing a spin on the old Donald O'Connor role), and before you know it, Santa gives him the proposition of becoming Mars' own version of Kris Kringle, so he can get back to head office on time for Christmas Eve. There you have it- the Martians learn the next word in capitalism... franchise!

(There! And not one mention of ten-year old Pia Zadora as one of the Martian kids. Oops!)

***

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS is a movie which has become a laughing-stock of Western civilization, suffering the butt of a million bad-movie jokes from posers and buffoons.

However, when one takes the time to really watch the movie, one finds that SCTM is one of the most innovative, exciting and ultimately successful examples of early 1960's independent cinema, much like similar genre titles CARNIVAL OF SOULS and NIGHT TIDE. The filmmakers knew that "Cheap Sci-Fi" and "Cheap Fairy Tale" were popular (and virtually indistinguishable) genres, so in true post-modern fashion they spliced the two concepts together willy-nilly, even coming up with a title that sounds like a tabloid headline gone wild.

The enthusiastic theatrical quality of the film keeps it always entertaining, never dull, and the acting is melodramatic, to say the least. The film conveys a sense of sheer ecstasy at moments, capturing the feeling of the pure joy a child feels at the holidays better that most big-budget, "serious" film attempts. The groovy theme song (with trumpet solo by Al "He's the King" Hirt) was released on a 45 rpm record and as part of a soundtrack album, and there was a popular photo-comic book of the movie.

SCTM played matinees at least into the early 1970s, even though it had already been on TV for years! The script communicates well the need for compassion and empathy, a most logical and well-articulated argument against war and hostility, and for forgiveness; indeed, very Christian messages all. Even the character names are cool; Bomar for "Boy Martian", Nomar for "Mom Martian", Kimar for either "King Martian" or "Key Martian". Using this naming system, the Martians' goofy servant Dropo would translate into "Drop Out" (from school or society?)

One of the best Xmas-oriented films of the 1960's, the average viewer doesn't get the joke, that the title and concept are parody, not just some stupid generic film that the dull, narrow-minded film "buff" can't even imagine exists.

It's too bad that the snide puppet-people at MST3K saw fit to choose SCTM as their sacrificial Xmas lamb, so that now nobody in their right minds would watch the real film and give it a chance. People now see SCM with both eyes closed and guns a-blazing, ravenous to tear apart the bad acting, the cheesy sets, the garish music, and other Grade-Z trademarks, not realizing that these are all an integral part of a knowing, well-crafted satire of both the sci-fi and holiday-flick genres. They miss completely the fact that as cinema, SCTM works brilliantly. But then again, the sniveling Mystery Science Morons haven't a clue as to what they're really watching...

There was a 2002 remake, but who cares? The original is gold!

(Does anyone by now not know that this was Pia Zadora's first role, as "Girmar", the Girl Martian?)

***

About Bill McCutcheon

Terrific cover to the Dell comic book for SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS
(from the collection of Kevin S. Butler)